


I know

by artsyspikedhair



Category: Les Misérables - All Media Types, Les Misérables - Victor Hugo
Genre: Artist Grantaire, Barriere du Maine, Denial of Feelings, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced Depression, Les Amis de l'ABC - Freeform, M/M, Self-Esteem Issues, Trans Enjolras, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-10-02
Updated: 2015-10-02
Packaged: 2018-04-24 11:56:12
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 715
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4918570
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/artsyspikedhair/pseuds/artsyspikedhair
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Grantaire knows who he is. He is the man who holds the bottle at Les Amis de l'A'B'C meetings and rants too loudly about the futility of it all. He is the man who courts women whenever he can and then tosses them aside like paintings he is never able to finish.</p>
            </blockquote>





	I know

**Author's Note:**

> I read the book a while ago and am not French. Forgive me and inform me of any mistakes.

Grantaire knows who he is. He is the man who holds the bottle at Les Amis de l'A'B'C meetings and rants too loudly about the futility of it all. He is the man who courts women whenever he can and then tosses them aside like the paintings he was never able to finish before starting the next one. Grantaire is hopeless and melancholy and has been this way for years. He dropped out of college because he couldn't get out of bed for days. He drinks to forget how he ended up poor and useless when he was born to wealth, when he was given the best education his parents could offer. He drinks to forget the paintings under his bed and his father's words haunting him, his father's hands haunting him, he could never be good enough and he knows he still isn't. Grantaire is well aware of who he is. 

But Grantaire wakes up more and more often these days. He gets out of bed, and occasionally (when not searching the streets for better wine shops and better food than the Musian provides) goes to his canvas and paints. He paints red waistcoats and blonde hair and eyes like ice and fire. He paints all he can remember from his hanged-over mind. He paints when his friends are obtaining shotguns and recruiting people. He paints, and then he looks at his paintings. He is usually drunk by thn, having gone out for lunch and wine. His drunken mind knows what he forgets when he is painting. He knows he has never loved anyone the way he loves Enjolras when he paints his face on blank canvas, his fiery passion coming out in the background. He knows that when he is sober, but when he drunk he still knows. Grantaire looks at Enjolras and sees what he once had the potential to become, what he wants so desperately to be allowed to love. His belief in Enjolras is a passionate cause in its own right, and Grantaire tries to believe his feelings are pure friendship. 

However, Grantaire is nothing if not honest, and sees himself as nothing even when he is honest. Grantaire, after fighting with Enjolras to go to the Barriere du'Maine, knows what he knows. Grantaire believes in Enjolras, and yet he also looks back on his former lovers, his conquests he never kept. He never felt for women what he felt for Enjolras, and yet he has never seen it that way until he was faced with such a lack of approval. Grantaire realizes, walking to convert some of his poker playing friends to the cause, h loves Enjolras. He loses himself in a daydream in which Enjolras is a woman, and Grantaire can finally do his family proud. Grantaire notices Enjolras already looks the part, and his train of thought stops in a jumble. He will never know for sure, but he suspects something a bit more sinister than he had in the past, involving Enjolras' chaste ways and disdain for women, especially in the revolution. 

Grantaire also knows Enjolras would never love him back. Grantaire is already too ugly for most woman, and Enjolras despises him besides. He figures there is no hope for himself, and forgets what he came to do. 

Grantaire says nothing of his feelings, not that he ever spoke much about his personal life anyway. He finds himself getting more and more drunk as the day his friends all die comes nearer. He goes out with Laigle and Joly while his friends are out fighting the National Guard. He fakes his self-esteem as he gets drunker, saying he will not go to Enjolras' funeral.

Little does he know there will not be one. Little does he know his feelings will be accepted in the end, that he and Enjolras will be the bodies lining the street. He will never know his guess was right, that Monsieur and Madame Enjolras will not take their child's corpse, saying they only had a daughter. He knows nothing of the world as the day goes on. He knows nothing of the world when he passes out behind the barricade, and least of all does he know himself. He is one of the revolutionaries, even if he'll never make history.


End file.
